a lightened load is easier to carry

I decided to include one more journal entry from the backpacking trip we took to Colorado last year. Although the subject of this entry is not the most light-hearted one, this is the memory of that trip that will stick with me forever. Two of my closest friends, Joel and Diane, lost their 4 year old son, Julian, on May 20, 2006. He was a beautiful, healthy boy. This journal entry has been edited to remove people’s last names.

August 3, 2006 – Thursday

I didn’t come to these mountains with any expectations other than getting in some great hiking. And when Norv suggested we think about the "mountains" in our lives that we need to climb, I really couldn’t pinpoint one. Sure...I’ve had lots of mountains and even plenty of molehills in my life, but I wasn’t feeling led to focus on any one issue.

Today we climbed to a high mountain meadow on Mt. Huron. The trail was steep and our breaks to catch our breath were many. The views, of course, were magnificent. Darren and I considered going on to scale the peak, but then decided against it because of some dark clouds heading our way. That was a good decision because the rain and thunder started as we began our descent.

As I made my way slowly down the trail my thoughts began to get more focused. I started thinking about the very end of the Chronicles of Narnia series. The very last part of the last book describes a version of Heaven according to C. S. Lewis. Heaven in that book is described as magnificent meadows, valleys, and lush mountains. The mountains are so tall their peaks get lost in the clouds. And when you are in Heaven you can run and run and run and never feel tired. You can scale mountains in a heartbeat.

I read this description of Heaven just a few days after Julian’s funeral. At the time I read that, I cried tears of joy when I pictured little Julian running and playing in Heaven’s sunshine. No heart problems – pure joy.

Julian’s mommy, Diane, is one of my best friends. And Julian was one of my son’s best buddies. While I cannot begin to imagine the nightmare Joel and Diane are facing right now, I do have a front row seat to their grief and pain. Every day my heart breaks anew for them. Every day I carry an enormous burden of grief of my own.

I wrote earlier how I felt God’s presence during the storm that hit Lake Ann. Well, today I was descending Mt. Huron in the rain and thunder, and I was crying new tears with every step – feeling the loss of Julian all the more. I was beside myself with grief. While I am so happy for him, spending eternity in the presence of God in Heaven, I selfishly want him back on this miserable planet.

Finally the emotional pain was so great that I literally cried out to God, "I can’t do this anymore! Please take this burden from me!" I kept walking and praying. And it struck me that I have "met" God during the storms here in the mountains. While I stand in awe during the sunny times, it is during the storms that I feel his presence. Kind of like every day life, isn’t it? It is during our storms-- when we feel helpless or alone-- that God can pull us close and hold us…get us through to sunnier days.

Shortly after asking God to take my burden, the rain stopped and the sun came back out. I sit here on a rock listening to a stream and feeling the gentle breeze on my face. Soon I’ll have to put my pack back on and hit the trail again.

This time I think my steps will be lighter. I know my grieving isn’t over and won’t be for a long time. But I also know that I can ask my Creator to carry the burden for me. And He will.