...all things good...

Why would I title this entry that way? Certainly things are not all good in my family right now. We've been dealt a devastating blow. For three months we've been anticipating a new baby in our family. A precious, tiny babe to be born in August. Everyone in the family was excited beyond words. Big brother wished for a girl. Little brother (who was excited about becoming a big brother) hoped for a boy. Mom and Dad would be completely thrilled with a son or daughter.

Then the proverbial bomb dropped. We were told our baby was sick. That there was a 100% probability that our tiny one would die before my pregnancy reached 5 months in time. Two weeks after that discovery, my baby died. I never got to meet my child. I didn't even know if we had been blessed with a son or daughter. We didn't know exactly what caused the illness in the baby. I had to have surgery, and tests would be done.

Today I got a call from my doctor. He explained the results of tests. He explained that the condition that took my baby's life is extremely rare, and it would never repeat if I became pregnant again. Then he told me that my baby was a girl. My daughter.

I am in extreme emotional pain. It has been three weeks since my baby died, yet today it feels more real than ever. I finally know who to grieve. I grieve the loss of my daughter.

Because of my Christian faith in God, I know that I will meet my precious babe some day in Heaven. My baby went from my womb to Jesus' arms. And because of my faith, I know that even though I am in pain here on earth...even though I would much rather have that baby in my arms right now...God loves me.

The Bible tells me in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called accordingly to His purpose." I do love God. And I have been called to Him to accept Jesus as my Savior. And when the Bible says "in all things" it means all good things and all bad things.

In spite of the bad that has happened in my life recently, I am praising God. I am thanking Him for loving me enough to send His Son to die for me. I am thanking Him for the beautiful boys He has blessed me with. I am praising Him for being the Creator of Heaven and Earth. I am singing of my love for Him...through my tears.

So how does this fit in with a theme of "daring to live"? Well, I'm daring to not be bitter. Some may ask, "why me?" I ask, "why not me?" I'm daring to not place blame on God. This isn't His fault.

And if you can believe it, I am thanking Him for giving me this precious child...even if it was only for a moment. We had two weeks between finding out our baby wouldn't make it and the day our child actually died. Every night at bedtime, I would pray to God and thank Him for one more day with my child. I would thank Him for allowing me to see my baby, alive, through a few sonograms. I cherished every moment of extreme morning sickness as physical proof the child was with me. The child was real. The child was a gift from our Creator. I'm daring to be joyful in the midst of pain.

Do you, perhaps, need to change your view on the storms in your life? If so, I dare you. It might just change your life.

don't look up!!!

Well, I'm sure you've all heard the phrase "don't look down," right? Usually it is uttered on t.v. or in a movie when the main characters find themselves perilously positioned somewhere dangerous and high above the ground. The brave one tells the coward, "don't look down!" That is probably very good advice. But, I learned an equally important phrase last summer. And that is, "don't look UP!"

You see, I was halfway through a very long, grueling hike up a 14,000 foot mountain. Mt. Huron (in Colorado) was our chosen mountain last summer. It barely qualifies as a 14'er because it is something like 14,005 feet tall. But, a 14'er it is. And since we'd been camping at it's base in a remote, high-country spot, we'd set our sights on scaling him. This was my first experience at climbing to the top of such a tall mountain.

Three of my friends and I headed out of camp before dawn. We knew it would take our flat-lander lungs a long time to get to the top. I said I would be happy to just get as high as possible, but down in my heart I knew I wasn't stopping until I reached the summit. I prayed the rain would hold off until we made it, because a storm above treeline is very dangerous. You are the tallest thing in the terrain when that happens because there are no trees! We even joked that we'd huddle below one of our hiking buddies because he stands almost 2 meters tall! He, however, didn't find that so funny!

We huffed and puffed our way to treeline. From that point on, the trail was narrow, rocky, and very, very steep. I had to stop often to catch my breath. My muscles weren't tired, but my lungs had trouble keeping up with the thin air.

Something I learned many years ago when my husband and I first started backpacking was that mountains can play tricks on our eyes. It always looks like the summit is much closer than it actually is. You are forever looking up and thinking you are almost there. Then, an hour later you still find yourself hiking and thinking, "Oh! I'm almost there! It looks so close!" It becomes a vicious cycle. When you are climbing smaller peaks, like in the Smoky Mountains, this cycle doesn't torture you for very long, really. But, I learned in Colorado, that looking up can get very discouraging.

When you've been hiking all day, your mind gets weary. You start out all excited. You can't wait to clear the trees and see the rocky top of the mountain. Once you do reach treeline, your excitement starts up again because you can actually see the peak. You can visualize yourself sitting on the top, taking in the 360 degree view of limitless, surrounding mountain peaks. But...this is a very long hike. You still have hours of walking ahead of you. Your adventure soon turns into a battle of sheer willpower. How badly do you want to reach the top? You start to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Willing yourself to keep going.

Here is where looking up gets dangerous. If you are pushing yourself to the max...forcing yourself to climb in spite of feeling like your lungs are going to explode...looking up can break your will. When you look up and see how far you have to go, you start to estimate how many hours it might take you, and your brain starts to think it can't be done. "Why bother?" it seems to ask your legs and lungs. "Why are you putting yourself through this?" Your heart screams, "I want to see the top! I want to see the top!" So you trudge onward, upward. At this point in my climb, I often forbid myself to look farther than 10 or 15 feet ahead of me. I literally focus on one step at a time. I set my sights on a rock ahead of me on the trail and I make myself walk until I reach it. Then, if I need to take a breather, I rest a few seconds, then pick a new rock on the trail ahead, or the beginning of another switchback, and keep moving. I don't look up. I can't let myself. I can't let my brain feed me the lies that the climb can't be done or that the climb isn't worth the trouble.

Are you seeing any parellels here? Perhaps a lesson about life? I sure do. In fact, this idea came to me as I was climbing that mountain a few months ago. Let's face it. Life is not easy. Often it is full of one difficult mountain to climb after another. And if your life is like mine, when it rains it pours. If the car breaks down, then so does the furnace. If one person in the family is sick, then everyone gets it. Just when you think life might be going well for a change, someone close to you dies. Honestly, life itself can be a vicious cycle. And often the people around you, and the world in general, will tell you lies. They'll tell you to just give up. They'll tell you to give in. They'll tell you life isn't worth the fight. So...is it worth it?

I can tell you that life IS worth the bother. I haven't always felt this way, but I have learned that if you stay focused on each and every day...live in the moment...the trail of life is possible to climb. Instead of focusing on the what-ifs and the enormity of whatever problem is hitting you, try just living for today. Take it one step at a time. Don't believe the lies that the world feeds you. When you are knocked down, get back up. Time and time again. Try to do all that you possibly can in just this one day to get to tomorrow in one piece.

One thing I didn't mention about the idea of not looking up...it's not exactly true that I didn't look up during my climb up Mt. Huron. In fact, I looked up quite often. But, I didn't look up in the direction of the mountain peak. Instead, I turned around, looked at where I had already been, and then I looked up to the sky. I thanked God for how far he'd allowed me to walk and I prayed that he would help me get to the top.

This applies in life, also. I encourage you to look up. But look up high enough to see past all of the stress, deadlines, bills, bad relationships, and pain. Even if you've made some really bad decisions in life that have caused yourself or others a lot of pain, tell yourself that today is a new day and nobody is perfect. You've survived what life has thrown at you, and you can make today count. Look above all of that earthly baggage and pain and look up to the One who knows you best. Who can give you the strength to make it another day. He can...and will help you if you ask.

As for the trip last summer....I did make it to the top! It was one of the most amazing, physically challenging things I've accomplished so far on this earth. I really felt like I was on top of the world.

So, lace up your boots and get out there. Put one foot in front of the other and conquer whatever mountain lies before you. If the big picture, the summit, is too scary and discouraging, then focus on the first steps. You can do it! I dare you.

i survived my cereal!

Say what? Here's the deal...
I realized a very long time ago that I'm a perfectionist. It's just how I was made. Perhaps it was a gift from God...although how I'm supposed to use it is a mystery. I do know, though, that one way I'm not supposed to use it is by being a control freak. Now that is a hard habit to break! But, ever since it dawned on me that I tend to want to control each and every thing (and person) around me, I have been trying to break that nasty habit. I have learned to let go. I've learned to trust that others will do a good job, and if they don't...oh well. Not the end of the world.

But, it has only been recently that I've noticed my perfectionist/controlling nature is tainting just about every area of my life. I'm sure I don't even realize, yet, the full extent of this "disease"! I thought I'd share one example. This will probably sound silly to most of you. But I'm thinking if there are any perfectionists out there reading, this may strike a chord with them.

So, back to the cereal...

My favorite kind of cereal right now has crispy flakes made out of some kind of grain (???) and dehydrated slices of strawberries. The strawberries get all soft and yummy when I add milk. When I open a new box, pretty much all of the strawberries have worked their way to the top of the box. This causes my first bowl to be about 1/3 cereal and 2/3 strawberries. For a strawberry lover, this is divine! However, if you eat that first bowl just like that, it means your next bowls have maybe two or three strawberries in them. My habit, upon opening a new box, has been to pour the first bowl and then spoon most of those strawberries back into the box. I wanted to have a perfect mix of strawberries and cereal in every bowl to the very end. Perfect and controlled, right?

Well...after doing this for about a year (yes, I really love this cereal!) it occurred to me that here was one area where I was being a control freak. My litmus test for things tends to be: "am I living today to the fullest?" and "will I regret this when I'm 80?" I started thinking what if I pour that first bowl, scoop most of the strawberries back into the box, and then die before I get to the second bowl? Wouldn't it be better to pour the first bowl with all of those glorious strawberries and have a feast of fruity cereal and really enjoy it?! Then, if I live to see the bottom of that box of cereal, I can enjoy that last bowl as a celebration that I survived my cereal! No regrets. I'm living for today and not worrying about tomorrow. I changed that bad cereal habit instantly, and I LOVE that first bowl. It is awesome! It brings a smile to my face. And you know what? I love every bowl after that because I don't feel burdened by perfectionism.

I know, I know. This is sounding so wack-o to many of you! But, this realization has been so freeing to me. It has spilled over into areas of my life in which I had been chained by my perfectionism. I'm not hanging on to stuff anymore. For example, I buy craft supplies for the kids, but so many times I would keep holding on to some of it because I was waiting for just the right craft to use it on. It had to be something special or perfect. Recently I just dumped it all into a big box and told the kids to have at it. They are having a blast, and I'm realizing it's just craft things...it can be repurchased if needed...and the kids are loving it. I'm learning to let go, and it feels good!

Well, thanks for listening. I'm off to eat the last bowl out of my box cereal, and I'm thrilled that I survived another box! And if I live to see tomorrow, I'm having a strawberry party first thing in the morning!

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own."

(from the Bible, Matthew chapter 6, verse 34)

making new memories can be hard

Yesterday was the perfect Autumn day. It was bright and sunny, but just cool enough to require jackets. My boys and I had fun plans, too. Our good friend, Diane, and her son, Christian, had invited us to go to an apple orchard with them. The boys were excited, and we headed out just after breakfast. This apple orchard is just under an hour away from home, but it is worth the drive. Besides having yummy apples and even yummier cider donuts and baked goods, they have a lot of fun things for the kids to play on. We spent several hours there letting the boys play on tractors, playground equipment, a hay maze, and a mini-bus to name a few activities. They also played miniature golf and rode an unusual "train" made from some kind of plastic barrels on wheels that were linked together and pulled by a tractor. We had lunch there, and then let the boys play some more.

Perfect day. Great new memories.

Well, in reality, it would have been, but...

...on the drive to the orchard, I fell to pieces. I cried and prayed while the boys chatted away behind me. This was just one new memory that was going to be hard to make.

Two years ago (probably October of 2005) my boys and I visited that particular orchard with Diane and her husband, Joel. They brought with them Christian and their oldest son, Julian....oh! and Grandma and Grandpa, too! It was freezing cold, but we stayed probably even longer that day than we did yesterday. It was such a fun day and still is a really great memory for me. It was my first trip to a fun apple orchard like that. Diane and Joel had been going for years. It was a family tradition for them, and I felt so honored to be invited!

Then in May 2006, Joel and Diane's oldest son, Julian......died. That's the awful reality that I'm still trying to accept. We miss him more than words can say. Yesterday was such a bittersweet day. Our boys had so much fun. But it just wasn't the same without Julian. And it never will be. We have to go on making new memories in life. That's the way it is whether we like it or not.

While I feel confident that God has a perfect plan for everyone, life still hurts sometimes. We have to force ourselves to see the perfect that is often hidden in the imperfect. Yesterday was a beautiful day. We were surrounded by children, including our own, who were loving life. We were enjoying the sweet abundance of the harvest. I can praise my God through tears and sadness. I can experience joy along with pain. He gives me the courage to live and the strength to love Him in the midst of sorrow.

God is good. I promise you.

the tie that binds

My mood? Thanks for asking. I'd say I'm wistful, pensive, reflective, melancholy...how's that for some 10-cent words? Gotta love websters.com!

I had a nice day that, in the end, really tied into my earlier posting about slowing down and about enjoying the simpler things in life. My cousin was home for a visit. He lives out of state and I haven't seen him for almost two years. He came home specifically because our grandpa is not doing very well. Grandpa is still at home with my parents, so the extended family met there for dinner. It was so nice to see my cousin. And we all laughed so much...like always. Honestly, my life has been so busy that I didn't really realize how much I missed him until he was sitting across the table from me. That's not right, is it? And, of course, it started me thinking about my other cousins and friends who I don't see often enough. Why not? Because I don't make the effort. I don't schedule them into my life, I guess. Nothing about that realization makes me feel good.

Okay, so how can I turn this self-reflection (and perhaps scolding) into something positive? First I think I should thank God for the wonderful evening I just had. And, next, I can use this evening as a reminder. As the title of my last post says..."it's not too late." I need to start scheduling my family and friends into my life more. When I look back on life, what will I remember more? A Sunday night spent flipping through channels looking for something to entertain me or an evening spent laughing and joking with someone who has known me since the day I was born? I think it is obvious. I will never regret quality time spent with people I love.

There is comfort to be found in the company of others. I think the best word to describe it is "fellowship." In fellowship we find acceptance, shared interests, memories, and friendship. We find support when we're down. We find someone to share excitement with when we're up. We find love. The times of fellowship produce my fondest memories. Like my description in my last post of hanging out with the neighboorhood kids. Or spending time with my extended family tonight. Happy memories to lean on when times get rough.

One last thing that has just occurred to me. I'm feeling a bit blue because I was having so much fun, and then I had to say goodbye. I don't know when I'll see my cousin again. But, I can relate this somewhat to the promise that one day there will be no more goodbyes for me. I will be able to slow down and experience joy and happiness forever. There will be no more stress. There will be no more tears. There will be eternal life. Eternity. Now, there's another 10-cent word. But, the truth is, eternity is free.

An old hymn came to mind:

Blessed be the tie that binds
Our hearts in Christian love;
The fellowship of kindred minds
Is like that to that above.

We share each other’s woes,
Our mutual burdens bear;
And often for each other flows
The sympathizing tear.

When we asunder part,
It gives us inward pain;
But we shall still be joined in heart,
And hope to meet again.

it's not too late

Here we are...nearing the end of summer. School is back in session. The nights are growing cooler. I actually found myself wearing jeans in recent days rather than shorts. My official end to summer is the day I start wearing socks again. I'm a barefoot or, at the very most, a sandals kind of girl.

As I sit here this afternoon thinking about what "I did this summer" like so many uninspired back-to-school essays, I can't help but think that more and more of my years and seasons are blurring together. The older I get, the less I think of the past in terms of days or even weeks. Instead I tend to think more in terms of months or even years. "Did I go on that trip in my 20's or 30's? Wow...has it really been 8 months since I've seen that friend of mine? Where has the month of August gone? It's already September??"

Think back to the summers of your youth. Weren't they the longest, most enjoyable chunks of time in your young life? My summer days were so carefree and laid back. During the daytime I would hang out with the neighborhood kids. We would ride bikes, play board games, swim at the public pool, and listen to music. Some days it was too hot to even move, so we'd sit on someone's front porch and just chat the afternoon away. In the evening we'd tear ourselves away to have dinner with our own families. After dinner we'd congregate again and await dusk so we could start a crazy game of "Kick the Can." Ever played it? It was a blast when we used three adjoining yards and houses for the playing field. And that was pretty much the routine for the whole summer. When we got into high school we'd throw in an occasional trip to the mall or the movies for variety. Now that was high-adventure!

In reminiscing like this it is so clear to me why life seems to be zooming out of control now that I've reached the official "grown-up" stage of my life. I'm too busy. I'm over-committed. How does that old saying go? I'm meeting myself coming and going? In this day of high-speed and high-tech everything it is next to impossible to live slowly. To live deliberately. I don't know about you, but I have enough obligations in my life to fill every hour of the day. If I stop moving, thinking, doing...I fall behind and feel guilty for wasting time. Sure I seem to get more accomplished in a day than when I was a teenager. But, am I as happy as I was then?

No.

So, how can I change this? How do I get off this ride that blurs my days so that I barely remember them or even recognize who I am? How can I bring more happiness, contentment, and quality into my life.

I think I need to redefine words like "interesting," "amazing," "fun," and “success.” We live in an age where we are constantly bombarded with the message that we are not good enough, rich enough, or fun enough for this world. We are told that if we aren't constantly on the move, then we are boring or we are missing out on life. If we don’t sign our children up for every extra class or lesson out there, we are depriving said kids and are failing as parents. If we don’t go on an expensive vacation every year, we are boring and are failing as families. If we don’t work more than 40 hours a week then we can’t possibly make enough money and are, therefore, failing as adults. It goes on and on…cars, houses, clothes. A person can’t possibly have fun unless that person is away from home and is spending money on something. Ironic isn't it? We are so busy making sure we don't miss out on anything that we don't have time to really live.

I truly need less busy work, fewer obligations, and more family time...more "me" time. And all I need to do is make the right choices. I need to choose to slow down. I need to learn to tell myself and others “no.” I need to rediscover who I am and what I like…not what others say I am or what they say I should like.

Here’s what I’d like. I'd like to play with the kids more. Take more walks. Read more books. Ride my bike. Sit on a nice, breezy porch. Listen to the night insects and watch the fireflies. All of those things that I remember so fondly from my younger days are truly fun and relaxing. They are meaningful, and they are memory makers. Even though they are slow-paced and laid back, they are true living.

Fearless?

Have you ever seen this happen?

I will see this often when I’m driving out in the country: one or more Red-Winged Blackbirds chasing a red-tailed Hawk. In case you aren’t familiar with these birds, the male red-winged blackbird is around 9 ½ inches long. By comparison, a male red-tailed hawk is 18-20 inches long and a female red-tailed hawk can reach 20-26 inches long! This is a really neat scene to witness. The hawk will be flying up and down, back and forth, apparently trying to lose the blackbirds. But the smaller blackbirds stay mere inches away from the hawk. They dart in and out…dive- bombing when they get the chance. They do not give up until the hawk finally leaves the area. (Photo by Chris & Lara Pawluk).

I watched one of these displays yesterday morning. All of my life, when seeing this "battle" I have always thought to myself, "Wow! Those little blackbirds are fearless. Without a thought they just fly in and face the giant." However, yesterday I was struck with a different idea.

When I returned home, I decided to search for information on the "why" and "how" of such an interaction. One website pointed out that hawks and crows are a threat to the Red-Winged Blackbird, and are especially interested in the blackbird’s eggs and babies. It had this to say about the Red-Winged blackbird and crows (stick with me here, I’ll get to the point soon!):

"Red-winged blackbirds nest in big colonies in marshes. Usually there are no trees to block a wide view of the sky. Each male redwing has a small territory in the marsh, like a human backyard, but the neighborhood has a LOT of nests. Many of these are at least a little visible from above. To defend their territory, male redwings spend a lot of time perched at the top of cattails. If one spots a crow in the sky, a male redwing will instantly fly up and dart at the crow rather than risk the crow getting close and noticing nest locations. The crow may still fly directly over the marsh, but the distraction of the redwing flying at him may very well keep the crow from noticing where the nests are. Any redwing that notices the crow will take action, and overall this helps ALL the redwings to protect their eggs and babies from crows."

So…fearless? I’m thinking "no." I think that fear is actually their motivation. They are afraid of the hawk or crow. They are afraid that their nests will be raided. It is the very emotion of fear that sends them on the chase. The Red-Winged Blackbirds are not fearless. To the contrary, they are so full of fear that they don’t take time to think of their own personal danger in confronting a giant bird.

Often times we describe people who have done amazing things as being "fearless." I’m thinking that isn’t true. I can imagine that when people…parachute out of airplanes… or climb a vertical, rocky cliff…or defend themselves in a dangerous situation…or any other things that would set me to trembling with fear…they are actually at least a little afraid. The difference between them and me, however, is that they don’t let the fear stop them. They either work past the fear or use it to their advantage.

Now I think there are many levels of fear. Big fears and small fears. Someone can be afraid of high places or bridges. The same person could be afraid of speaking in public and afraid to walk in his or her neighborhood after dark. At the same time he could be afraid of speaking to a stranger while waiting in a line. Or she may be afraid of trying a new food. Perhaps she is afraid of spiders. Personally, I’m afraid of losing one of my children…I get nervous on long bridges…I don’t think I would ever jump out of an airplane because of fear…I’m afraid of large dogs…the list could go on.

What happens when you are afraid? When I’m afraid my senses are heightened. I seem to be able to see more clearly, hear better, and act quicker. My pulse races and my mind focuses intently on whatever is making me afraid or anxious. I block out anything around me that does not relate to my fear. Here’s an example. Years ago my husband and I put on our heavy backpacks and hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. We spent the night at the bottom and then hiked back up the next morning. The Grand Canyon is one mile deep. The trails going up and down are around 7.5 miles long. They twist their way back and forth along the canyon’s walls. In many places, the trail consists of a vertical wall on one side and a sheer drop-off on the other side. In some places the trail itself…the place where your feet are stepping…is fairly wide, but in others it is only 10 to 12 inches wide. Needless to say, there was an element of fear on those hikes. In those narrow spots of the trail, I used my fear to my advantage. I was intensely focused on where I was placing each step. I could see every loose rock and every crack in the trail. I was very aware of the weight on my back and careful to not let it shift so that I’d lose my balance. But did I stop? Give up from fear? No. I kept my eye on the prize. I wanted to see what was at the bottom, and I wanted to make it back to the top. I worked through the fear toward the greater good. And the reward for not giving up was incredible.

So, how can we be more like the Red-Winged Blackbird? How can you face your fears and live to tell about it? I’m going to start facing my fears. I’m going to try to race toward them rather than run from them. What are some of your fears that need to be chased, dive-bombed, and conquered? Are you afraid to try something new? Afraid to fail? Afraid to succeed? Afraid to love? Afraid to try? Afraid to die? Afraid to….live?

Just try. You can do it.